Random Thoughts

I’ve always felt like my mind has a voice of it’s own. Maybe even a mind of it’s own. Sometimes I feel like a different person, stuck inside a shell of a whole different personality. Trust me when I tell you that sometimes I see myself standing away from myself. A ‘me’ talking to people. A ‘me’ reading a book or watching a movie. A ‘me’ just wandering around with a smile. I see myself like I’m the soul who’s travelling outside it’s body, watching himself trying to exist. I do feel like a different person on different days. A happy person, a sad person, a poetic person, a lover, a hater, a crybaby, a wanderer, a traveller on the path of ruination, these are all versions of me, trapped inside this fragile body full of catastrophe.

But silence has always been a good old friend. And chaos a nemesis. Chaos finds me sitting peacefully and comes to destroy my moments of tranquillity. I’ve got a loud mind. Like the one that feeds of my energy to resume it’s habit of overthinking exhausting me completely. But it has become an old friend as well. We talk a lot. Most of the things I wanna say, I say them in my head. My voice feels different in my head. It’s more calm and confident. Like if you could read my mind you’ll see me as somewhat wise…and sane. But that’s not always the case. There’s a dark place as well. Home to my demons. My tongue feels like an enemy. It can never say what I want to say. It’s a coward. Maybe that’s why it’s in hiding. Maybe I’m overthinking again. Maybe I’m normal. Maybe most people feel the same way. Or maybe I’m crazy. Or maybe I’m in that lost state. A state everyone goes through in their lives. Yeah maybe I’m just lost.

Flares.

I don’t mind being alone
As long as I don’t lose my mind
Cause loneliness has a habit
Of turning even the purest of hearts unkind
Even if I’m going through hell I try to stay polite
Even if everything’s going wrong I still try to do things right
Cause I know, I got to put in the effort and learn to fight
Like the stars fight every night to stay alive
But I’m not trying to shine too bright
Cause I don’t wanna burn out trying to spread the light
I am the type of guy that can watch the world end
And still not shed a tear, death is the least of my fears
I’m sorry I just can’t pretend I care
I got no feelings like I dropped them with my heart somewhere
I know I’ve got to make myself better and I’m trying, I swear
But that road goes back and forth like a rocking chair
I’ve lost my faith, I know clouds don’t hear your fucking prayers
No matter how fast you run, you’re always gonna fall downstairs
And I’m tired of walking down this path
I’m carrying too many layers
Even if I shed my past, my mind’s still too dark
That it’ll warm itself by setting me to flares.

Love’s only true…

Love’s only true if you leave it on fire
to burn in the night
but it still survives.

Love’s only true if you disappear
but your reflection still appears
in your lover’s eyes.

Love’s only true if you see the truth
when your beloved hurts
but smiles some pretty lies.

And love’s only true if you’re both
on the opposite ends of the world
but the love never dies.

Melancholia

Always so quiet, so distant, so lost, unhappy without a reason.

Courage sparked a bit so she went and told her friends, “I feel sad, I don’t know what to do.”

“So what? Everyone feels sad. Just move on.”
Said her so called friends.

That’s not the words she wanted to hear, but those were the ones she got. So she tried to move on, but couldn’t. Once again she was quiet.

Always so adrift, so wanderlust, so invisible, disorientate without a reason.

Courage sparked a bit, so she went and told her friends, “I feel misplaced, I don’t know what to do.”

“So what? Everyone feels misplaced. Just move on.” Said her so called friends.

That’s not the words she wanted to hear, but those were the ones she got. She tried to move on, but couldn’t. Once again she was quiet.

Always so isolated, so unwanted, so abandoned, alone without a reason.

Courage sparked a bit, so she went and told her friends, “I feel lonely, I don’t know what to do.”

“So what? Everyone feels lonely. Just move on”
Said her so called friends.

That’s not the words she wanted to hear, but those were the ones she got. She tried to move on, but couldn’t. Once again she got so quiet.

Always so hurt, so tearful, so miserable, betrayed without a reason.

A small sparkle of courage bloomed, so she went with tears to her friends, “I got my heart broken, I don’t know what to do.”

“So what? Everyone gets their heart broken. Just move on”
Said her so called, cold hearted friends.

That’s not the words she wanted to hear, but those were the one’s she got. She tried to move on, but couldn’t. Shhh…once again eyes awake, lips silent.

Always so numb, so broken, so hopeless, depressed with a lot of reasons.

No more sparkles of courage or hope. Just haunting darkness all around. As pale as a ghost she stood before her friends with weary eyes,
“S..so.. much..p..pain. What..sh..should.. I do?”

So careless, so remiss, so insensitive like plastic bodies with hollow chests, so blinded by their own selves. Her friends as always had only one thing to say, ” So what? Everyone feels pain. JUST MOVE ON.”

That’s not the words she wanted to hear, but those were the ones she expected. She stood without making any sound, like a decayed rose petal fallen to the ground, so cold and lifeless. This time she took her friends advice. Yes she moved on…she moved on from life. The little girl committed suicide. Even though she died a long time ago, but this time she was never coming back.

A few people gathered around her grave. Unknown faces which were long ago erased. There they were, in a corner, her so called friends. Wearing black dresses like goddesses of death, holding thornless white roses in their hands. Tears? What for? For a friend whose life you helped to end?
I wonder what’s going on in their callous minds right now. Do they feel sorry? Remorse? Shame? Loss? Pain? Emotions? Anything at all?

Or are they still reasoning, “So what? Everyone dies. Let’s just move on.”

To feel is to be alive.

So many feelings passing through this framework made of flesh and bones. I lack the canvas of words to paint them. Maybe some feelings needn’t be expressed, maybe some are just supposed to be felt, and kept close. Either way, to feel is to be alive and I’m grateful to be alive enough to feel.

A Wanderer.

I wonder that maybe it’s a dream, a fantasy that I’m trying to chase. That’s why I fear that it’ll never be true. A mirage, only seen, never reached. Only seen, never felt. Only seen, never lived. Maybe it’s a mirage I’m trying to reach. The more I walk towards it, the more I’m sinking into an illusion. The more I try to find my purpose, the more lost I’m becoming. Now my feet have become numb, my legs scream their hurt, my heart beats it’s emptiness and my mind craves some light. But all I see is a mirage in front of me. I’ll reach there and then it’ll disappear. So I decide to collapse where I once stood to convince myself that tomorrow I’ll walk again. Walk again, towards the mirage. Maybe I don’t have to reach anywhere. Maybe the journey is my story. Maybe I’m always meant to be A Wanderer.